Four years of my professional life were spent working in hospice. Director of Bereavement and Pastoral Care. Simply put, four of the best years of my life. Creative, energizing, and a daily learning curve. A downer?
Absolutely not! Quite the oppo-site. More hopeful, inspirational, meaningful.
I listened to the mortals in the bed. Talked to them. Was always struck by how undramatic they were. Not a lot of 11th hour confessions. Not a lot of sudden, grasping forays into philosophy or religion.
More, I was struck by the simplicity of things. Stories. Memories. Just kinda wrapping things up. Maybe talking sports, world events, politics. I often had the feeling this is exactly the interaction I would have had with this patient had I met them in their living room a year before the terminal diagnosis.
But, from time to time, the mortals in the bed would trust you with their regrets. Death shines a light unspeakably bright on what really matters. And, standing in the imminent shadow of death, hospice patients often inventory the trea-sures they missed.
A friend introduces me to the work of Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse, writer and singer/songwriter who spent part of her profession in hospice palliative care. Ware is the author of “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A life transformed by the dearly departed.”
The “top five” are no surprise. Not when you say them out loud.
• I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
• I wish I didn’t work so hard.
(Ware says this one has a par-ticular masculine twist. Men lament missing the childhoods of their children. Men lament time not spent with the beloved mate.)
• I wish I would have had the courage to express my feelings.
• I wish I would have stayed in touch with my friends.
• I wish I would have allowed myself to be happier. (We humans tend to act as if there is a “Happiness Authorization Board” whose permission we must be granted before we can be allowed to revel in the miracle of this existence.)
In my heart, I nod at this author whom I have never met. Yes, those are the great themes. I heard them, too. The dying teach us.
When you turn this discussion upside-down, it becomes even more stark and obvious. Yes, I listened to the mortals in the hospice beds. What they said, and what they didn’t say.
The latter is just as important.
PEOPLE NEVER SAY
• I should have vacuumed more often.
• I just forgave way too many people.
• As a child, I had too many competent, supportive adults in my life.
• I regret the way I neglected my Facebook page.
• I should have worried more.
• I should have envied more.
• There never seemed to be enough time to be cynical.
• I was always too merciful and generous in my views of others.
• I should have spent more time at the office.
• I told my wife/husband “I love you” too often.
• I wish I would have been better at grudges.
• I was never clear about my racial prejudices.
• I wish I would have made my- self sick with alcohol more often.
• My children, you wanna squeeze every drop of bitterness out of life.
• [name], would you please read my tweets at my funeral?
• I wish I would have made more time to be catty.
• I really regret the time I spent learning to play the piano.
• I’m having doubts whether I was sufficiently antagonistic toward homosexuals during my life.
• Don’t you just hate the sound of
laughter?
• I should have hoarded more.
• I could have used about 12 more meaningless sexual experiences.
• I should have cursed at my children more.
• I should have hit my children more often.
• Can you sit shiva on SnapChat?
• I’ve made a photo album of all the people I hate. I want you to have it.
• I regret not taking more ‘selfies.’
• Does my butt look too big?
• I gave away too much money.
• I missed out on a lot of pornog- raphy.
• I’m still mad at [name] for not ‘friending’ me back.
(You may drop Steven Kalas a note at skalas@marinscope.com.StevenKalas is a therapist, author and Episcopal priest. He is the author of the book “Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing.”)
